Old Parenting Style Be Damned

As a child I heard my parents and my teacher lecture me a lot on what's on and what's not on. While I was capable to do things like drive a car or bat a ball, I was told not to because I was a girl. They instructed me to play indoors and play with dolls and not attempt to drive a car or a bike. So I rebelled and went ahead and did all that.

When it came to marriage I turned conservative. I relied on my parents to make the final choice for me. I looked at past data and data said arranged marriages work, people said because they are destined and made in heaven kind of blah blah blah!. I was cajoled into marrying when I was still a teen, even if I was asked my permission and also been told, "you can marry whoever you love," I sensed that this question was more to do to bring out my secrets just in case I had one. I had none!

I knew I would not be allowed to work outside of home because ours was a conservative community still. Before 19 I was engaged and married at 20.

From then on I relied on my parents, mom especially, to guide me through the woes of settling down in a strange new family. I was told marriage was "char din ki chandni phir andheri raat (4 days of moonlight (bliss) and then darkness (hell) prevails)". Just in case I didn't get carried away with all the glitter and glamor of it. I looked at marriage very realistically, unlike people who seem so unrealistic when in love. That's also the reason why I looked down upon love marriages. I was shocked when the char din ki chaandni was also not there. It was andheri raat from day one. I won't blame him but it was a mismatch, a case of disconnect between two opposite poles!

I went running to my mom. Well not literally, I waited till I was scheduled to visit Mayke (parent's place). After all the crying and telling of my woes, mom said “opposites are good life partners, one is cool and one is hot, helps keep the balance”. Then she came out with another piece of wisdom, "it’s like that with everyone, you don't get what you want, you can't help it. Have a child, it will keep you busy and you will be happy afterwards."

Ok mom. I had one child. Mom said “Have another, the more the merrier”. I thought more is wrong; two is just fine and perfect. Since my first child was a girl I thought probably the second, if a boy, would actually change things. It did though, in a way, make me busy and I got involved with 2 small kids who were just a couple of years apart and watching them grow was nice and enjoyable.

Soon they went to school and I was free again and the problems surfaced again. Yet again people told me why did I stop to have more kids? Since I am a high energy person if I don't burn my energy, it burns me. After much thought, I decided to have one more baby thinking it will be good to be running around with a kid and keeping busy.

But this time I ended up getting frustrated. I realized that the core issue of incompatibility between partners cannot be resolved by the birth and upbringing of children. As a woman I realized that I needed to have a companion apart from being a mother. When I complained to my mom, she said “that's life, it’s full of compromises and sacrifices.” I was shocked, I relied on them because I thought they would KNOW what's right and wrong for me, knowing my temperament would not play this game of sacrifices with me.

They (parents and elders) keep saying, that marriages don't work like that, kids make the marriage bond stronger and sustainable. Hmm, so that's the reason arranged marriages stick because from the beginning it’s all controlled. You say yes to your parents, then they first make you marry someone or some family they like but with whom they won't spend the rest of their lives. Then if there are problems, they advice you something which is like throwing good money after bad money. You keep giving more and more of your time and energy and keep hoping and keep hoping till you finally are too old to be doing anything else. With kids around, the going which was bad got tougher. It did not lessen.

I relied on my mom. I feel I have been misled by her. She taught me what she had been taught without validating. By abdicating my opinion in favor of those of elders in things related to my married life, I find that I have erred.

Already I have told my daughter “no kids till you are ABSOLUTELY sure that the person perhaps you (or us but we leave it to you) have chosen is good for you to last for a lifetime”.

A lot of people tell me that I am a bad mommy, perhaps even my kids. I make them do all the housework when the maids are not there. Even if the maids come, I still give them chores to do. Even when, they have exams, they still have to make their own tiffin and fill their water bottles in the mornings. Since my daughter is the elder of the two, I take a lot of help from her. Not that my son is spared. He runs small errands for me.

My family is well to do. We don't have to do the menial work like sweeping and mopping floors. But I make my daughter do it. I tell her its a good exercise and she is at an age (fourteen this year) where she can gain a lot of weight if she doesn't keep fit. I met a friend recently and we were talking about how to raise daughters. I was very vocal about my views on parenting and I said that I make my daughter work as much as I can. She was aghast, she proudly said her daughters are her princesses and she treats them the same way. I disagreed and told her "my daughter is a Cinderella in my home and she will be a princess when she is with her prince, at the right time and a princess forever". What is the princess without the prince anyway?

Women contribute to a lot of problems in marital life. Some of these can be avoided if a mother brings up her daughter in a more practical manner and teaches the daughter that to be treated as a princess is an award (for performance) and not a gift (to charity). Teach your daughter everything which will help her in becoming a wise lady suitable for a prince. Do not treat her as a princess by not making her do any work or dolling her up with the most shining dresses and expensive things!!

It is time to change myself; and that I choose to think for myself what is appropriate for me and my family and not do things which are generally considered appropriate by everyone else!

I have decided that I would be more honest with my kids than my parents were with me. I will not give them any advice which I don’t believe in. I will guide them to do what is best for them even if the choice happens to be unconventional. I will give them freedom to choose their own life, their own mate, and I am sure one day they will be prince and princesses by their own right!!

They will know how to prevent problems from getting more complicated. They will know where they have to cut the losses. They will be ready to face the world head on and deal with everything that comes their way and move on.

That's the most important thing, to move on and not to get stuck in a bad situation, just because you HOPE too much that things will improve. I will teach my children to not HOPE for things to change but to take control of their lives and extricate themselves from a bad situation. They have to know what does not work. They have to know the consequences for their actions. I will make them to first ask themselves before asking me or anyone else for that matter, what is it that they want from life and what are they willing to give in exchange for their wants? In doing so, they will have a clearer vision for themselves and never will they have any roadblock where they have to stop, but their lives will be a continuous unending road, perhaps with a lot of twists and turns but at least the life will go on.....

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